Hindsight is 20/20

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Oh, the red flags! Now that I look back, they seem to litter the landscape. Strange how at the time they hardly seemed noteworthy.

One night while hanging out with his high school friends, they had a good laugh over how some kid gave him the nickname of "Captain Porno". Hahaha, isn't that funny? The husband (then the boyfriend) was pretty quiet about it. I felt uncomfortable, but didn't want to be that uptight girlfriend. Didn't every boy look at porn in high school? You'd have to be a total prude to think they didn't!

Another night, we were visiting his mom's house an hour away. I slept in his sister's room. For whatever reason, he left his cell phone with me and he slept in the basement. I still can't remember why he left his cell phone, but no matter, I knew it was the perfect opportunity to poke around a little bit. Even though I was snooping, I was shocked to see pictures of a girl in lingerie on his phone (keep in mind this was years ago with the old flip phones that were so cool because they were also "camera phones". The screen was tiny and resolution was bad, but it was still pretty clear what it was.) They didn't look like professional photos. I made the assumption that they were old pictures from his old girlfriend he had slept with. Pioneers of sexting! But did I say anything to him about it the next morning (or ever?)? Of course not! I couldn't admit I had snooped! Plus, then I wouldn't be the "cool" girlfriend either.

He made comments sometimes about how he liked women's bodies, even to go so far to say specifically how he liked a woman's pubic hair. Even then, I thought that was a pretty jerky thing to say, but I didn't know how to approach it, so I continued to be the cool girlfriend and swallowed my shock and disgust.

One day I noticed a DVD on the floor in the corner of his closet. Not with the other DVD's on his shelf across the room. It seemed odd, and I think I maybe mentioned it later, but he dismissed it, saying he didn't have any DVD's in the closet. The cover and the title didn't give anything away, but it seemed so odd to me. (I came to find out after we were married that it was a soft-core porn. He had put it inconspicuously on the shelf with our other DVD's, but never mentioned it and we never watched it. I finally put it in one day while he was at work, and then angrily marched out to the dumpster.)

He managed a retail store and had to close one night a week. Often, he'd tell me over the phone around 6 pm that he would just say goodnight to me then, rather than call me on his way home, because it was too late. Uh, 9:30 is too late? Considering I regularly stayed up past midnight, it struck me as so odd. I'd often challenge him on it, but he was adamant and acted like it was no big deal.

My friends told me they never pictured me with a guy like him. My mom said she felt like she didn't know him. My dad came into my room one night and told me he didn't think he was The One. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what on earth they were talking about. Actually, I still can't. I knew how I felt, I was sure of it. I figured it was Satan trying to keep us apart. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I don't know.

Now that I look back, I want to slap myself. For the sake of brevity, I'll leave out some of the other signs that something was amiss. Why didn't I ask more questions? Why didn't I trust my gut on certain things? Why didn't I think about MY concerns once in a while? Why was I so worried about impressing him, rather than worried about making sure he was right for ME?

However, despite all the red flags, I knew that I loved him. I knew it almost from our first date. I just felt I was supposed to be with him. So that's what I did.

Climbing back up

My last post 10 days ago was from a pit of despair. Oh, was I ever angry! Oh, was I heartbroken!

The lie my husband told me was just a little lie, in all honesty. But it cut deeper than I could've ever guessed. It burned within me for days. It was as if all the other millions of lies my husband had told me over the years had piggybacked onto this one, and I felt the weight of all of them.

I wouldn't say I trusted my husband before this incident. Our trust died a long time ago. But I had the hope of trust. I thought that now that we'd embarked on this recovery journey for reals, that he would rise to the occasion when he had something difficult to tell me. When that didn't happen, I was utterly crushed. I guess I forgot how baffling and cunning addiction really is.

That night, I said a tearful prayer begging my Heavenly Father to take these awful feelings from me. Part of the Twelve Steps is learning to turn our lives and our wills over to God, and trusting that the Atonement can heal our hurts. I was trying so hard to do this. To give it to God and trust that the pain would stop burning in my heart.

My pain didn't disappear. I woke up angry and sad the next morning. BUT, I did manage to fall asleep without too much trouble, which was a tender mercy. The husband was very contrite and apologetic the next morning and said he wasn't feeling well the night before, so he had a hard time coping.

Later that day I lamented to him that I didn't know if the Twelve Steps would work for me. How do you turn your negative feelings over to God? How do such awful, piercing emotions go away? Maybe I just didn't have enough faith.

We managed to smooth things over a bit, although I still feel much more guarded and less willing to be vulnerable. A few nights later, I was reading my scriptures. As I was reading, a string of thoughts suddenly came into my mind. I realized that I was feeling better. Yes, the memory of the pain I felt was still there, but I didn't have that burning pain in my heart any more. My mind was calm again. The thought came to me that my awful feelings were taken from me. It wasn't instantaneous, and that is ok. We are here on this earth to have the mortal experience, and sometimes that means feeling pain, sadness, hurt, and frustration. The few nights before when I was in so much pain wasn't because I didn't have enough faith or because God didn't hear my prayer, it was because I am human, and sometimes that happens. Heavenly Father blessed me instead with the ability to fall asleep that night. He knows more than I do, and He knows what I need to learn. Sometimes learning requires discomfort. And a few days later, through the Atonement of Christ and my faith, my pain was taken away.

As I sat and pondered on these thoughts that were brought to my mind, I was filled with humility and gratitude. How silly of me to expect that I should say a prayer and *poof*, I feel happy and as good as new within an instant. Not to say that God couldn't make that happen, but that's not what this life is about. I was grateful to have learned this lesson, and I was grateful that my Heavenly Father saw fit to teach me in a quiet moment through the Spirit a few days later so that I could understand.

As I've worked through things the last couple of weeks, one of the biggest things I am learning is patience. I need to have patience with trials and with my husband and with myself. I need to have patience with God as my life unfolds.

Everything will be ok.

And here comes the drop

Addiction is a terrible, fearsome roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next minute you're crashing down and almost careening out of control. Only unlike a real roller coaster, it isn't thrilling at all. It's just terrifying and exhausting.

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In previous posts I was on top of the world. Today, I'm speeding down that giant hill.

Today I hate him. I want to scream at him and throw things and kick him out of the house. Luckily, I don't think I'm quite to the point where I want to punch him in the face, but you never know what turn this roller coaster will take.

(Not that I would do it...I think...)

I caught him in a porn-related lie. Well, more like a "half-truth", but dishonesty and deception all the same. And really, yes, there was a lie involved too. We talked about it yesterday, I was upset but reigned it in, he felt terrible. I should be able to move on, right?

Nope. I've been fuming all day. It's been bouncing around in my skull like an errant bouncy ball. I can't focus. I just seethe and fume and hurt.

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

I hate the porn. SO MUCH. I hate the addict behavior. But more than anything I think, I hate the lies. I HATE THE LIES. I hate being deceived. Words cannot even express it.

I made this very clear to him. I spelled it out in black and white, inside and out. I told him that I understand he won't be perfect, I understand there might be slips. But I have no tolerance for lying.

I knew the first real test would come when he messed up for the first time. It came, and he failed. He chose to cover it up and leave it out of our conversation. He fed me some line about how he is an open book and has nothing to hide and I can check up on him any time.

Lies, lies, lies.

So tonight, when I got angry about it, when it all came bubbling out with such force even I was shocked, he retreated. He rolled his eyes. He got defensive. He felt like he should be getting a big pat on the back, a freaking medal for all his hard work and how well he's done and he didn't deserve this.

All I've done the past month is pat his back and praise him and tell him how grateful I was for his efforts and how awesome it all was. Why am I the one making him feel good?? My codependency slaps me in the face. And now, he's all offended that I am angry without any warning. He's licking his wounds, in our comfortable bed, while I sleep on the couch in my anger.

While I sleep on the couch. What the hell is wrong with me? Even in my anger, I make sure he is the comfortable one.

Tonight, a part of me hates him. And a part of me hates myself too.

Codependent much?

This week it has become abundantly clear to me that my own recovery is crucial.

My husband has been doing great. I am so proud of him. He got his 30 day sobriety chip from SA, and then that very afternoon faced one of the toughest hours of temptations he has had since being sober...but he made it through. And he even told me about it! Pretty impressive.

Better yet, he has been happy, cheerful, patient, and loving. There is a softness in his eyes and an openness to his smile that I have never seen before. He is less interested in watching tv, and instead would rather head up to bed early with me to read and cuddle, and get this, talk. Say, what??? I know, it's outrageous and I hardly know who this man is, but I sure like him.

So, I should be feeling pretty good about things, right? Sometimes I do. However, I myself am still broken. I am not all better now that my husband is recovering. I need to recover myself.

I wrote a few days ago about fear, and I'm still struggling with that. Now, not only do I have fear, but serious doubts that pop into my head. Everything my husband is doing is showing that he is doing well (actions speak louder than words!), but every night I'm convinced that today is the day that my husband slipped up and chose not to tell me and is beginning the cycle of lying again. And not only did he not tell me, but he's continuing to put on this face of everything is great. Look at me reading my SA book! Look at how emotionally open I am! Some deranged part of my brain has convinced me that not only is he lying to me again, but this time he has discovered the ultimate lie: not only can he continue to act out in his addiction, but he can actually pretend he is in recovery! Before, he just acted like things were "fine" and tried to avoid talking about it, but all his behaviors flashed the neon sign of "ADDICTION". But now! Now he has really figured this lying thing out! Now he can act like he's a changed man, when really he is not. Jackpot!

Obviously, as this bizarre idea bounced around in my brain throughout the evening last night, I got more and more irritable. I became snappy and impatient and snarky. Like I was going to be nice to that lying SOB! Yeah, right! 

When we went to bed last night the husband finally got it out of me. I had been refusing to talk to him (holy pot calling the kettle black...jeez...). I felt too ridiculous to tell him this crazy notion that was driving me out of my mind. But, once I spilled it, I felt so much better. He held me close and promised me that he was done lying, that he was so much happier this way, and that I have every right to feel the way I do. 8 years of being lied to can do weird things to a person. He reminded me to be patient with myself and that hopefully in time he can earn my trust.

I'm still amazed that this emotionally distant man that I've known for so long is actually a loving, listening partner. I still don't want to get too attached for fear it will go away. But, one thing I've learned in all this, is that if he does go away, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to get back to a healthy mental and emotional state, so that I'm not so dependent on his behaviors and I can keep the crazy at bay myself.

First comes love, then comes...

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We went on our first date about a month after meeting. I was smitten. It was a confusing time of my life with boys (long story), but it was as if the heavens parted and shone a light down on this cute new infatuation of mine. I dropped the other boys, and within a month I knew that he was The One.

We had so much in common. I felt I could be myself around him, more or less. We had similar goals and hopes and dreams. Every time we were together and talked it was almost like I could hear an audible click, like we were two pieces of a puzzle fitting together.

One night, he told me his secret. No, not that one. A different secret. He told me about a girlfriend he had before me that he got too close to. She got pregnant. They were going to get married, but she called it off and broke his heart. He wanted to raise the baby, but they decided to place him for adoption instead. He paid the price for his mistakes and did everything he could to make them right.

When he told me, I was flooded with emotion. Relief! Because, I too was "damaged goods". I hadn't gotten pregnant out of sheer luck, but my years with being too close with my high school boyfriend haunted me. This guy could understand me. He knew what I'd been through and more. We shared our secrets together and reveled in the fact that we wouldn't judge each other, but we really knew each other, you know?

After that night, I was convinced that if he could tell me such a difficult thing, he would tell me anything! My hero, Captain Honesty! I felt I'd won the jackpot.

If only I had seen the red flags being popping up as we skipped down the path to our expected marital bliss...

A full heart

It's been just over a month since I last confronted my husband about pornography use. I was so scared to do it, but I felt like I had to. I'd been living in denial for years, but knew based on the direction our relationship was heading that something had to be done. I braced myself for arguing, lies, and having to make a tough decision about whether to stay or go, just like all the times in years past.

I was totally wrong.

This last month has been hard, but as I sit here right now my heart is so full of joy and gratitude. 

My husband got his 30 day sobriety chip from SA today. He is proud, and he should be. He is happier than I've seen him in years. It is a joy that I've never seen come from him. A contentment and easy-going nature that is demonstrated in through his smile, a quicker laugh, and happy words that tumble from his lips. He is open and kind, willing to listen, and humble and willing to learn. He has hope. He's not perfect(and never will be in this life, just like the rest of us), and he still has a long way to go. But oh, it has been wonderful to see these changes!

I am so proud of him. I am so grateful! So very, very grateful. After dealing with this in an ugly and angry way for seven years, I almost never thought I'd see this kind of progress made. In my wildest dreams I'd secretly hope for it, but I didn't dare count on it. I'm so grateful that his heart has been softened. I'm so grateful for an SA and S-Anon group that meets literally around the corner from my house. I'm amazed at this wonderful FREE resource, where people meet humbly with the sole intent of improving themselves and each other. It is so inspired.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my Savior and the Atonement. For the first time in my life I'm actually coming to understand what the Atonement means and how to apply it to my life. I am so humbled by the love of my Savior. I'm grateful that I have come closer to my Savior, and that I can recover and heal and improve in my own way too. I have a lot of work to do.

Sometimes, though, I have to admit that my joy and gratitude makes me afraid. Afraid that this is all too good to be true. Afraid it will crumble to bits and fall between my fingers as I desperately grasp at it, remembering what it was. Afraid that when it does, it will be worse than ever before.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim. 1:6–7.)

I need to remember where that fear comes from. I need to replace my fear with faith. Everything will be ok, one way or another. Everything will be ok.

Tonight, I choose to feel joy and gratitude.

I am so grateful.