I've been thinking a lot about posting over the last few weeks, but I just haven't been able to do it. When I sit down to write, the words don't come. Same with my journal. There's no words willing to come out of my fingertips. Lately I feel like I feel everything, and I feel nothing. It seems impossible to package things up into a bundle of letters and words and sentences.
A couple of days ago the husband hit the 30 day sobriety mark. He talked about it a lot and gave me high fives and was really happy. Which was great! I was happy for him. But...why was he so happy about it this time around? I didn't get why it was different. Haven't we hit 30 days a bunch of times since we started pursuing recovery last fall? I was certain we were in about a 6-8 week relapse cycle.
I brought it up to him. And once again, we're living separate realities, unbeknownst to me. Aside from his first sobriety streak last fall, he can't remember ever having hit 30 days.
Ummm... what?
Over the last several months we've done the relapse cycle thing. Every time I discover something and call him out, he "comes clean". He makes speeches about honesty and commitment and on and on. And now he tells me he still wasn't totally honest. He was living with one foot in recovery and one still in the addiction. But, can he remember what was actually happening? Of COURSE not. He has no recollection of any of it. It's just this big guess as to what real life has been the last 6 months.
And naturally, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal, because look at how good he's been doing the last 30 days! Wheeee!!
I feel like I've been run over by a dump truck. I feel as traumatized as I did the first time I discovered any of this years ago. Because even though I realize he was lying to me for so many years, I kind of knew he was. It was the status quo. It sucks, but I understand he was just totally in his addiction.
But this time, we had a deal, you know? I thought last fall was a fresh start for us, in a way. I knew it would be tough. I knew there would be ups and downs. But I thought we were on the same page. I idiotically believed him when he said he had told me everything and he was committed to the truth and making me feel safe. I once again gave him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't really hurt me like that. I believed him! It's almost laughable now!
I can't believe anything anymore. I can't trust anything. I don't even know where to go from here. I alternate between feeling intense pain and absolutely numb.
I've been doing a lousy job of working my steps the last few weeks. A combination of busy-ness and change of schedule, plus laziness and wanting to live in denial that this is my life. This is the kick in the pants I need to get my head out of the sand and start facing reality again...whatever that actually is.
Showing posts with label lies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lies. Show all posts
Friday, June 20, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
PTSD, Porn, and Boundaries...Oh my!
Ooooohh boy. Where to begin? How can I even begin to sum up the last couple of weeks.
We had a hellish week, complete with the stomach flu and speeding tickets and even a load of white laundry stained pink (it's the little things that send you over the edge, amirite?!) I was feeling...off. And not just because of all the bad stuff. Because I could sense where we were in our cycle and our pattern, and I wasn't feeling safe.
We reached the point where husband thinks he's doing great, all is well, and then the communication starts to die down. Recovery stops being a point of focus and discussion. It's done when things are convenient. And that's when things start to get dangerous. Based on past experience, I know it is only a matter of weeks before the slide into relapse. What will be the trigger that sends him there?? I start feeling anxious, depressed, irritable, withdrawn, and slightly crazy.
So we talked about it, and it really didn't go anywhere. His response was exactly what I expected: "I don't understand what you're upset about. I've been feeling really good lately and doing well. I can see you being upset if something happened, but nothing has!"
He tried to be "understanding" at first, but after a day or two things really unraveled. The communication stopped. When I tried initiating a conversation, things blew up. I mean BLEW UP.
Anyway, I had some really major realizations slap me in the face. I thought maybe it was time to separate. I prayed, and I prayed some more. I wanted to be SURE with a big decision like this. I mentioned it in my share during S-Anon (and the lovely ladies were so kind and supportive). I went home and talked to him. And then...I chickened out. Shocker? Nope. Instead of telling him he needed to move out now, I had a last minute decision to tell him he had the end of the month and I needed to SEE real changes, not just hear promises. He wasn't happy, but whatever. He promised things would change, things would be different. That night I tried sleeping on the couch again, but I was exhausted and my head and body hurt, and the baby woke up at some point in the night. After rocking him, I climbed back into my own bed next to husband, because a good night's sleep was more important than anything else.
And then...things kind of stayed that way. I kept sleeping in our bed, but I stayed guarded. Husband went to his meeting on Saturday, texted and asked a new guy to be his sponsor, and made me leave the house that afternoon so he could prepare a super elaborate Mother's Day dinner that he did with our friends. All very nice. Sunday he had to speak in church, which he was super stressed and terrified about. Sunday morning he tried to initiate sex, but I turned him down because I didn't want to be used to alleviate his stress, as that is one of his biggest triggers and I knew he was stressed and nervous about his talk. Turning him down stressed me out, but he made this little speech about how it's all about making me feel safe and it was ok. We ended up having sex later that night, which I wasn't 100% about, but whatever.
Fast forward to Monday afternoon. My toddler has the Kindle and hands it to me. I randomly decide to check the browser history, even though there's never anything in there. Except this time...there it is. Porn. Graphic porn, viewed about 15 minutes after I left the house on Saturday. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. All the wind was knocked out of me. I immediately felt cold and started shivering. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. My mind was racing. All my senses seemed to be going haywire at once. I wondered if this is what PTSD felt like?
The husband was on his way home from work. I debated what to do. Prompt him and give him a chance to come clean? Spit it out and keep it short and sweet? I decided on the second option. He came home all nice, tried to give me a hug, and could immediately tell something was wrong. He asked me about it, I told him we needed to talk upstairs.
I told him I found the porn on the Kindle. He froze. I gave him a chance to explain. He had nothing, and then started to get defensive. He knew he was trapped. I ranted for a short bit. I left the house and went shopping and drove around. I secluded myself in our bedroom while he slept in the basement.
He sent me an email and text to apologize. I didn't respond to either. He created a Google Doc to act as his journal and added me so I could read it whenever I want. Stupidly, I have read it, even though I know I just need to detach. I feel like it's just another show, another manipulation tool. He talks about missing me, being afraid I'll leave him, wanting me to quickly see the changes he's making because he needs me and my friendship and love.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I know as soon as I soften, as soon as I stop enforcing my boundaries and "let him off the hook" for this one that he'll stop writing in that document and stop pretty much everything else too. Nothing will change. This cycle will continue. I HAVE to be strong. I have to stick to my guns and follow my gut. I can't be an enabler anymore. This is so hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I HAVE TO DO IT.
There is more to write, but that will be the next post. This is way too long as it is and it is way too late.
We had a hellish week, complete with the stomach flu and speeding tickets and even a load of white laundry stained pink (it's the little things that send you over the edge, amirite?!) I was feeling...off. And not just because of all the bad stuff. Because I could sense where we were in our cycle and our pattern, and I wasn't feeling safe.
We reached the point where husband thinks he's doing great, all is well, and then the communication starts to die down. Recovery stops being a point of focus and discussion. It's done when things are convenient. And that's when things start to get dangerous. Based on past experience, I know it is only a matter of weeks before the slide into relapse. What will be the trigger that sends him there?? I start feeling anxious, depressed, irritable, withdrawn, and slightly crazy.
So we talked about it, and it really didn't go anywhere. His response was exactly what I expected: "I don't understand what you're upset about. I've been feeling really good lately and doing well. I can see you being upset if something happened, but nothing has!"
He tried to be "understanding" at first, but after a day or two things really unraveled. The communication stopped. When I tried initiating a conversation, things blew up. I mean BLEW UP.
Anyway, I had some really major realizations slap me in the face. I thought maybe it was time to separate. I prayed, and I prayed some more. I wanted to be SURE with a big decision like this. I mentioned it in my share during S-Anon (and the lovely ladies were so kind and supportive). I went home and talked to him. And then...I chickened out. Shocker? Nope. Instead of telling him he needed to move out now, I had a last minute decision to tell him he had the end of the month and I needed to SEE real changes, not just hear promises. He wasn't happy, but whatever. He promised things would change, things would be different. That night I tried sleeping on the couch again, but I was exhausted and my head and body hurt, and the baby woke up at some point in the night. After rocking him, I climbed back into my own bed next to husband, because a good night's sleep was more important than anything else.
And then...things kind of stayed that way. I kept sleeping in our bed, but I stayed guarded. Husband went to his meeting on Saturday, texted and asked a new guy to be his sponsor, and made me leave the house that afternoon so he could prepare a super elaborate Mother's Day dinner that he did with our friends. All very nice. Sunday he had to speak in church, which he was super stressed and terrified about. Sunday morning he tried to initiate sex, but I turned him down because I didn't want to be used to alleviate his stress, as that is one of his biggest triggers and I knew he was stressed and nervous about his talk. Turning him down stressed me out, but he made this little speech about how it's all about making me feel safe and it was ok. We ended up having sex later that night, which I wasn't 100% about, but whatever.
Fast forward to Monday afternoon. My toddler has the Kindle and hands it to me. I randomly decide to check the browser history, even though there's never anything in there. Except this time...there it is. Porn. Graphic porn, viewed about 15 minutes after I left the house on Saturday. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. All the wind was knocked out of me. I immediately felt cold and started shivering. I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. My mind was racing. All my senses seemed to be going haywire at once. I wondered if this is what PTSD felt like?
The husband was on his way home from work. I debated what to do. Prompt him and give him a chance to come clean? Spit it out and keep it short and sweet? I decided on the second option. He came home all nice, tried to give me a hug, and could immediately tell something was wrong. He asked me about it, I told him we needed to talk upstairs.
I told him I found the porn on the Kindle. He froze. I gave him a chance to explain. He had nothing, and then started to get defensive. He knew he was trapped. I ranted for a short bit. I left the house and went shopping and drove around. I secluded myself in our bedroom while he slept in the basement.
He sent me an email and text to apologize. I didn't respond to either. He created a Google Doc to act as his journal and added me so I could read it whenever I want. Stupidly, I have read it, even though I know I just need to detach. I feel like it's just another show, another manipulation tool. He talks about missing me, being afraid I'll leave him, wanting me to quickly see the changes he's making because he needs me and my friendship and love.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I know as soon as I soften, as soon as I stop enforcing my boundaries and "let him off the hook" for this one that he'll stop writing in that document and stop pretty much everything else too. Nothing will change. This cycle will continue. I HAVE to be strong. I have to stick to my guns and follow my gut. I can't be an enabler anymore. This is so hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I HAVE TO DO IT.
There is more to write, but that will be the next post. This is way too long as it is and it is way too late.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Dancing
Life has been so hectic lately. Unfortunately, my recovery efforts have been put on the backburner as a result.
We are in the process of building a home, and we are doing much of the work ourselves. It's a total first world problem, but it has been stressful and a huge time suck. We are in the finishing stages and are scheduled to close in about 3 weeks, but there is so much to be done! Our entire lives have been taken over by this process, and I cannot wait for it to be over.
(Although, on the other hand, it keeps my husband very busy and his mind occupied, which is helpful for him in his own recovery. Boredom is one of his biggest triggers. Yikes.)
Plus, of course, the holidays are in full swing and we're trying to make it special for our kids despite how busy we are with the house. We have friend parties and company parties and family parties -- all very lovely things, but it takes up time.
Plus, my kids keep freaking getting sick. Stupid winter.
Plus, my 30th birthday is this week and my husband is trying to make it special, which is nice, but do we really have time for it? Not really.
Plus, my own health has not been good. I suffer from chronic headaches and they have been especially bad lately, in addition to other chronic pain issues that have been afflicting me. Life goes on though, so I have to push through.
Add in our regular jobs, church callings, attempts at staying somewhat fit during this season of major over-indulgence, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc, and the last thing that ends up on my list is attending my S-Anon meetings and working my steps. It's all I can do to even keep my head above water.
The husband and I have largely been distracted lately, but we did have a good talk a couple of weeks ago. I was rather testy for several days. The stress was getting to me, and as mentioned above my health has not been good, and the kids have been sick and grumpy. I was triggered by something and got rather upset and my husband was blind-sided. He feels like I've changed a lot lately, that I'm much more irritable and not the sweet person he used to know.
That was hard to hear, but it is true. I am irritable. I'm stressed and sick. I'm full of resentment towards my husband, and I hold it all inside. Eventually a part of me blows up. We discussed this and I told him I don't know how to talk to him about things. For 7 years he actively avoided communication and "feelings". I was trained by a lot of bad experiences to keep things to myself. Now that he has an actual desire to communicate and is greatly changed, I'm still afraid to make myself vulnerable. I'm afraid to be hurt if I go to him and suddenly "addict-husband" is back. I can't take it.
Also, this same week, the husband confessed that he stumbled on some inappropriate pictures at work. He manages his company's social media (not a good job for a porn addict, gah). Some dude on Tumblr posted some naughty pictures, so my husband said he immediately unfollowed him and actually felt sick to his stomach. I was proud of him and thought it was really a good step forward.
Anyway, after these talks, I was able to open up a bit more and be a little more vulnerable. A few nights ago I told him some things I'd never told anyone that were difficult for me. He listened, our intimacy grew, and it was good. He talked a lot about doing everything he can to gain my trust. It was good. Two steps forward.
On Thursday my husband was working on our house with his dad, who is our general contractor. They've always had a very strained relationship, his dad has not been a very good father throughout the years and is trying to make some changes now. Anyway, my husband ended up telling his dad about his addiction and apologizing for any strain it put on his father over the years. I was floored. I never thought my husband would tell anyone else, especially his dad. Luckily, his dad was very kind and understanding and it was a very good experience for my husband. Two more steps forward.
This weekend the husband surprised me with a little getaway to the mountains for my birthday. It was a beautiful winter wonderland up there, some friends joined us for one of the nights and we had some great laughs, and we spent most the time just relaxing. It was good. I forgot my computer, so I was using my husband's laptop to look up something I needed in my email. I opened a different browser than he normally uses so I wouldn't have to log him out of his email account to get into mine. But when I opened it up....porn. As the most recent webpages. It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I immediately checked the history to see when...the history was deleted. Of course. After a few moments of trying to gather my thoughts I confronted the husband. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday trip.
Turns out the porn was related to the incident he told me about with Tumblr and coming across some bad images. He said he had to go to the website to unfollow them. I found it extremely strange that this was done in a different browser with deleted history. He admitted it did it that way because he was trying to hide it, he was afraid I'd be mad. He admitted that he briefly scrolled through a few pictures before he got his wits about him and got up and went for a walk outside.
I was angry, but more than anything I was sad. I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't be deceived anymore and intentionally misled. Yeah, it wasn't a big thing, but once again he didn't tell me the whole story. Once again he went out of his way to hide it and deceive me. It made me feel sick and numb, and I could immediately feel myself detach a little bit. I would not be vulnerable to a liar any more.
He felt awful and talked about it quite a bit (for him, anyway) as we went to bed. He committed to no more minimizing, no more sweeping "little" things under the rug. From here on out, it is full honesty, despite the consequences. Luckily, all this was unprovoked by me. I just sat there and listened without saying anything, so I feel it was sincere. But it all hurt so much. Seeing what he had looked at made me so insecure. Knowing that any illusion of trust we'd built over the previous weeks was just an illusion was shattering.
Three steps back.
Sometimes I feel like addiction is just a dance. Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. Round and round in circles we go. Side step, one step forward, on and on and on...
I prayed to be able to let it go and not have our trip be ruined. I tried hard to stay positive and connected as much as I could. We still had a nice time. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. Haven't I pretended enough over the years? I don't know how to find the rhythm to this new dance we're doing now that we're pursuing recovery. Sometimes I feel like I'm stepping on toes or getting left behind or made to look like a fool. I need to learn to dance to my own beat, and know that it is ok.
We are in the process of building a home, and we are doing much of the work ourselves. It's a total first world problem, but it has been stressful and a huge time suck. We are in the finishing stages and are scheduled to close in about 3 weeks, but there is so much to be done! Our entire lives have been taken over by this process, and I cannot wait for it to be over.
(Although, on the other hand, it keeps my husband very busy and his mind occupied, which is helpful for him in his own recovery. Boredom is one of his biggest triggers. Yikes.)
Plus, of course, the holidays are in full swing and we're trying to make it special for our kids despite how busy we are with the house. We have friend parties and company parties and family parties -- all very lovely things, but it takes up time.
Plus, my kids keep freaking getting sick. Stupid winter.
Plus, my 30th birthday is this week and my husband is trying to make it special, which is nice, but do we really have time for it? Not really.
Plus, my own health has not been good. I suffer from chronic headaches and they have been especially bad lately, in addition to other chronic pain issues that have been afflicting me. Life goes on though, so I have to push through.
Add in our regular jobs, church callings, attempts at staying somewhat fit during this season of major over-indulgence, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc, and the last thing that ends up on my list is attending my S-Anon meetings and working my steps. It's all I can do to even keep my head above water.
The husband and I have largely been distracted lately, but we did have a good talk a couple of weeks ago. I was rather testy for several days. The stress was getting to me, and as mentioned above my health has not been good, and the kids have been sick and grumpy. I was triggered by something and got rather upset and my husband was blind-sided. He feels like I've changed a lot lately, that I'm much more irritable and not the sweet person he used to know.
That was hard to hear, but it is true. I am irritable. I'm stressed and sick. I'm full of resentment towards my husband, and I hold it all inside. Eventually a part of me blows up. We discussed this and I told him I don't know how to talk to him about things. For 7 years he actively avoided communication and "feelings". I was trained by a lot of bad experiences to keep things to myself. Now that he has an actual desire to communicate and is greatly changed, I'm still afraid to make myself vulnerable. I'm afraid to be hurt if I go to him and suddenly "addict-husband" is back. I can't take it.
Also, this same week, the husband confessed that he stumbled on some inappropriate pictures at work. He manages his company's social media (not a good job for a porn addict, gah). Some dude on Tumblr posted some naughty pictures, so my husband said he immediately unfollowed him and actually felt sick to his stomach. I was proud of him and thought it was really a good step forward.
Anyway, after these talks, I was able to open up a bit more and be a little more vulnerable. A few nights ago I told him some things I'd never told anyone that were difficult for me. He listened, our intimacy grew, and it was good. He talked a lot about doing everything he can to gain my trust. It was good. Two steps forward.
On Thursday my husband was working on our house with his dad, who is our general contractor. They've always had a very strained relationship, his dad has not been a very good father throughout the years and is trying to make some changes now. Anyway, my husband ended up telling his dad about his addiction and apologizing for any strain it put on his father over the years. I was floored. I never thought my husband would tell anyone else, especially his dad. Luckily, his dad was very kind and understanding and it was a very good experience for my husband. Two more steps forward.
This weekend the husband surprised me with a little getaway to the mountains for my birthday. It was a beautiful winter wonderland up there, some friends joined us for one of the nights and we had some great laughs, and we spent most the time just relaxing. It was good. I forgot my computer, so I was using my husband's laptop to look up something I needed in my email. I opened a different browser than he normally uses so I wouldn't have to log him out of his email account to get into mine. But when I opened it up....porn. As the most recent webpages. It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I immediately checked the history to see when...the history was deleted. Of course. After a few moments of trying to gather my thoughts I confronted the husband. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday trip.
Turns out the porn was related to the incident he told me about with Tumblr and coming across some bad images. He said he had to go to the website to unfollow them. I found it extremely strange that this was done in a different browser with deleted history. He admitted it did it that way because he was trying to hide it, he was afraid I'd be mad. He admitted that he briefly scrolled through a few pictures before he got his wits about him and got up and went for a walk outside.
I was angry, but more than anything I was sad. I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't be deceived anymore and intentionally misled. Yeah, it wasn't a big thing, but once again he didn't tell me the whole story. Once again he went out of his way to hide it and deceive me. It made me feel sick and numb, and I could immediately feel myself detach a little bit. I would not be vulnerable to a liar any more.
He felt awful and talked about it quite a bit (for him, anyway) as we went to bed. He committed to no more minimizing, no more sweeping "little" things under the rug. From here on out, it is full honesty, despite the consequences. Luckily, all this was unprovoked by me. I just sat there and listened without saying anything, so I feel it was sincere. But it all hurt so much. Seeing what he had looked at made me so insecure. Knowing that any illusion of trust we'd built over the previous weeks was just an illusion was shattering.
Three steps back.
Sometimes I feel like addiction is just a dance. Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. Round and round in circles we go. Side step, one step forward, on and on and on...
I prayed to be able to let it go and not have our trip be ruined. I tried hard to stay positive and connected as much as I could. We still had a nice time. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. Haven't I pretended enough over the years? I don't know how to find the rhythm to this new dance we're doing now that we're pursuing recovery. Sometimes I feel like I'm stepping on toes or getting left behind or made to look like a fool. I need to learn to dance to my own beat, and know that it is ok.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Hindsight is 20/20
Oh, the red flags! Now that I look back, they seem to litter the landscape. Strange how at the time they hardly seemed noteworthy.
One night while hanging out with his high school friends, they had a good laugh over how some kid gave him the nickname of "Captain Porno". Hahaha, isn't that funny? The husband (then the boyfriend) was pretty quiet about it. I felt uncomfortable, but didn't want to be that uptight girlfriend. Didn't every boy look at porn in high school? You'd have to be a total prude to think they didn't!
Another night, we were visiting his mom's house an hour away. I slept in his sister's room. For whatever reason, he left his cell phone with me and he slept in the basement. I still can't remember why he left his cell phone, but no matter, I knew it was the perfect opportunity to poke around a little bit. Even though I was snooping, I was shocked to see pictures of a girl in lingerie on his phone (keep in mind this was years ago with the old flip phones that were so cool because they were also "camera phones". The screen was tiny and resolution was bad, but it was still pretty clear what it was.) They didn't look like professional photos. I made the assumption that they were old pictures from his old girlfriend he had slept with. Pioneers of sexting! But did I say anything to him about it the next morning (or ever?)? Of course not! I couldn't admit I had snooped! Plus, then I wouldn't be the "cool" girlfriend either.
He made comments sometimes about how he liked women's bodies, even to go so far to say specifically how he liked a woman's pubic hair. Even then, I thought that was a pretty jerky thing to say, but I didn't know how to approach it, so I continued to be the cool girlfriend and swallowed my shock and disgust.
One day I noticed a DVD on the floor in the corner of his closet. Not with the other DVD's on his shelf across the room. It seemed odd, and I think I maybe mentioned it later, but he dismissed it, saying he didn't have any DVD's in the closet. The cover and the title didn't give anything away, but it seemed so odd to me. (I came to find out after we were married that it was a soft-core porn. He had put it inconspicuously on the shelf with our other DVD's, but never mentioned it and we never watched it. I finally put it in one day while he was at work, and then angrily marched out to the dumpster.)
He managed a retail store and had to close one night a week. Often, he'd tell me over the phone around 6 pm that he would just say goodnight to me then, rather than call me on his way home, because it was too late. Uh, 9:30 is too late? Considering I regularly stayed up past midnight, it struck me as so odd. I'd often challenge him on it, but he was adamant and acted like it was no big deal.
My friends told me they never pictured me with a guy like him. My mom said she felt like she didn't know him. My dad came into my room one night and told me he didn't think he was The One. I could not, for the life of me, figure out what on earth they were talking about. Actually, I still can't. I knew how I felt, I was sure of it. I figured it was Satan trying to keep us apart. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I don't know.
Now that I look back, I want to slap myself. For the sake of brevity, I'll leave out some of the other signs that something was amiss. Why didn't I ask more questions? Why didn't I trust my gut on certain things? Why didn't I think about MY concerns once in a while? Why was I so worried about impressing him, rather than worried about making sure he was right for ME?
However, despite all the red flags, I knew that I loved him. I knew it almost from our first date. I just felt I was supposed to be with him. So that's what I did.
Monday, November 11, 2013
And here comes the drop
Addiction is a terrible, fearsome roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next minute you're crashing down and almost careening out of control. Only unlike a real roller coaster, it isn't thrilling at all. It's just terrifying and exhausting.
In previous posts I was on top of the world. Today, I'm speeding down that giant hill.
Today I hate him. I want to scream at him and throw things and kick him out of the house. Luckily, I don't think I'm quite to the point where I want to punch him in the face, but you never know what turn this roller coaster will take.
(Not that I would do it...I think...)
I caught him in a porn-related lie. Well, more like a "half-truth", but dishonesty and deception all the same. And really, yes, there was a lie involved too. We talked about it yesterday, I was upset but reigned it in, he felt terrible. I should be able to move on, right?
Nope. I've been fuming all day. It's been bouncing around in my skull like an errant bouncy ball. I can't focus. I just seethe and fume and hurt.
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
I hate the porn. SO MUCH. I hate the addict behavior. But more than anything I think, I hate the lies. I HATE THE LIES. I hate being deceived. Words cannot even express it.
I made this very clear to him. I spelled it out in black and white, inside and out. I told him that I understand he won't be perfect, I understand there might be slips. But I have no tolerance for lying.
I knew the first real test would come when he messed up for the first time. It came, and he failed. He chose to cover it up and leave it out of our conversation. He fed me some line about how he is an open book and has nothing to hide and I can check up on him any time.
Lies, lies, lies.
So tonight, when I got angry about it, when it all came bubbling out with such force even I was shocked, he retreated. He rolled his eyes. He got defensive. He felt like he should be getting a big pat on the back, a freaking medal for all his hard work and how well he's done and he didn't deserve this.
All I've done the past month is pat his back and praise him and tell him how grateful I was for his efforts and how awesome it all was. Why am I the one making him feel good?? My codependency slaps me in the face. And now, he's all offended that I am angry without any warning. He's licking his wounds, in our comfortable bed, while I sleep on the couch in my anger.
While I sleep on the couch. What the hell is wrong with me? Even in my anger, I make sure he is the comfortable one.
Tonight, a part of me hates him. And a part of me hates myself too.
In previous posts I was on top of the world. Today, I'm speeding down that giant hill.
Today I hate him. I want to scream at him and throw things and kick him out of the house. Luckily, I don't think I'm quite to the point where I want to punch him in the face, but you never know what turn this roller coaster will take.
(Not that I would do it...I think...)
I caught him in a porn-related lie. Well, more like a "half-truth", but dishonesty and deception all the same. And really, yes, there was a lie involved too. We talked about it yesterday, I was upset but reigned it in, he felt terrible. I should be able to move on, right?
Nope. I've been fuming all day. It's been bouncing around in my skull like an errant bouncy ball. I can't focus. I just seethe and fume and hurt.
I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.
I hate the porn. SO MUCH. I hate the addict behavior. But more than anything I think, I hate the lies. I HATE THE LIES. I hate being deceived. Words cannot even express it.
I made this very clear to him. I spelled it out in black and white, inside and out. I told him that I understand he won't be perfect, I understand there might be slips. But I have no tolerance for lying.
I knew the first real test would come when he messed up for the first time. It came, and he failed. He chose to cover it up and leave it out of our conversation. He fed me some line about how he is an open book and has nothing to hide and I can check up on him any time.
Lies, lies, lies.
So tonight, when I got angry about it, when it all came bubbling out with such force even I was shocked, he retreated. He rolled his eyes. He got defensive. He felt like he should be getting a big pat on the back, a freaking medal for all his hard work and how well he's done and he didn't deserve this.
All I've done the past month is pat his back and praise him and tell him how grateful I was for his efforts and how awesome it all was. Why am I the one making him feel good?? My codependency slaps me in the face. And now, he's all offended that I am angry without any warning. He's licking his wounds, in our comfortable bed, while I sleep on the couch in my anger.
While I sleep on the couch. What the hell is wrong with me? Even in my anger, I make sure he is the comfortable one.
Tonight, a part of me hates him. And a part of me hates myself too.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Codependent much?
This week it has become abundantly clear to me that my own recovery is crucial.
My husband has been doing great. I am so proud of him. He got his 30 day sobriety chip from SA, and then that very afternoon faced one of the toughest hours of temptations he has had since being sober...but he made it through. And he even told me about it! Pretty impressive.
Better yet, he has been happy, cheerful, patient, and loving. There is a softness in his eyes and an openness to his smile that I have never seen before. He is less interested in watching tv, and instead would rather head up to bed early with me to read and cuddle, and get this, talk. Say, what??? I know, it's outrageous and I hardly know who this man is, but I sure like him.
So, I should be feeling pretty good about things, right? Sometimes I do. However, I myself am still broken. I am not all better now that my husband is recovering. I need to recover myself.
I wrote a few days ago about fear, and I'm still struggling with that. Now, not only do I have fear, but serious doubts that pop into my head. Everything my husband is doing is showing that he is doing well (actions speak louder than words!), but every night I'm convinced that today is the day that my husband slipped up and chose not to tell me and is beginning the cycle of lying again. And not only did he not tell me, but he's continuing to put on this face of everything is great. Look at me reading my SA book! Look at how emotionally open I am! Some deranged part of my brain has convinced me that not only is he lying to me again, but this time he has discovered the ultimate lie: not only can he continue to act out in his addiction, but he can actually pretend he is in recovery! Before, he just acted like things were "fine" and tried to avoid talking about it, but all his behaviors flashed the neon sign of "ADDICTION". But now! Now he has really figured this lying thing out! Now he can act like he's a changed man, when really he is not. Jackpot!
Obviously, as this bizarre idea bounced around in my brain throughout the evening last night, I got more and more irritable. I became snappy and impatient and snarky. Like I was going to be nice to that lying SOB! Yeah, right!
When we went to bed last night the husband finally got it out of me. I had been refusing to talk to him (holy pot calling the kettle black...jeez...). I felt too ridiculous to tell him this crazy notion that was driving me out of my mind. But, once I spilled it, I felt so much better. He held me close and promised me that he was done lying, that he was so much happier this way, and that I have every right to feel the way I do. 8 years of being lied to can do weird things to a person. He reminded me to be patient with myself and that hopefully in time he can earn my trust.
I'm still amazed that this emotionally distant man that I've known for so long is actually a loving, listening partner. I still don't want to get too attached for fear it will go away. But, one thing I've learned in all this, is that if he does go away, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to get back to a healthy mental and emotional state, so that I'm not so dependent on his behaviors and I can keep the crazy at bay myself.
My husband has been doing great. I am so proud of him. He got his 30 day sobriety chip from SA, and then that very afternoon faced one of the toughest hours of temptations he has had since being sober...but he made it through. And he even told me about it! Pretty impressive.
Better yet, he has been happy, cheerful, patient, and loving. There is a softness in his eyes and an openness to his smile that I have never seen before. He is less interested in watching tv, and instead would rather head up to bed early with me to read and cuddle, and get this, talk. Say, what??? I know, it's outrageous and I hardly know who this man is, but I sure like him.
So, I should be feeling pretty good about things, right? Sometimes I do. However, I myself am still broken. I am not all better now that my husband is recovering. I need to recover myself.
I wrote a few days ago about fear, and I'm still struggling with that. Now, not only do I have fear, but serious doubts that pop into my head. Everything my husband is doing is showing that he is doing well (actions speak louder than words!), but every night I'm convinced that today is the day that my husband slipped up and chose not to tell me and is beginning the cycle of lying again. And not only did he not tell me, but he's continuing to put on this face of everything is great. Look at me reading my SA book! Look at how emotionally open I am! Some deranged part of my brain has convinced me that not only is he lying to me again, but this time he has discovered the ultimate lie: not only can he continue to act out in his addiction, but he can actually pretend he is in recovery! Before, he just acted like things were "fine" and tried to avoid talking about it, but all his behaviors flashed the neon sign of "ADDICTION". But now! Now he has really figured this lying thing out! Now he can act like he's a changed man, when really he is not. Jackpot!
Obviously, as this bizarre idea bounced around in my brain throughout the evening last night, I got more and more irritable. I became snappy and impatient and snarky. Like I was going to be nice to that lying SOB! Yeah, right!
When we went to bed last night the husband finally got it out of me. I had been refusing to talk to him (holy pot calling the kettle black...jeez...). I felt too ridiculous to tell him this crazy notion that was driving me out of my mind. But, once I spilled it, I felt so much better. He held me close and promised me that he was done lying, that he was so much happier this way, and that I have every right to feel the way I do. 8 years of being lied to can do weird things to a person. He reminded me to be patient with myself and that hopefully in time he can earn my trust.
I'm still amazed that this emotionally distant man that I've known for so long is actually a loving, listening partner. I still don't want to get too attached for fear it will go away. But, one thing I've learned in all this, is that if he does go away, I need to be able to stand on my own two feet. I need to get back to a healthy mental and emotional state, so that I'm not so dependent on his behaviors and I can keep the crazy at bay myself.
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