Lost

Today I am lost. Today I hurt. Today is a bad day.

I've been majorly struggling lately. I've tried to reach out to other women in my group. I've tried surrendering and praying this away. I am suffering. The pain of this addiction has been too much. The sharp knowledge that I was hardly more than body parts that served a function throughout my marriage has been too much. I wanted desperately for my husband to love ME. Who I was, not my body. I tried to be perfect so he would finally see the real me and love that part of me. I killed myself trying to be everything I could possibly imagine he would want. I gave him everything.

He couldn't see any of it because his mind has been too clouded by lust for a parade of endless women.

I tried talking to him about it finally, and it didn't work. He interrupted, minimized, told me how to feel, told me to get over it, played the victim...and I lost it. The last few days have been a series of grenades going off as we've tried to talk. I've slept on the couch the last two nights. Last night I said the F-word for the first time in my last. Last night I also told him I hated him (because in that moment, I did).

I feel like I've truly lost my mind.

He tried to apologize. He made more promises about changing, which is what set me off in the first place. I can't take any more empty promises that he doesn't follow through with. It is slowly killing me. I don't feel safe or sane or ok anymore. But he made the promises, and although more cautious, I hoped I would see some action.

Then, today, a friend sent me a link regarding recovery that I thought about sending him. Before I sent it though, I paused. What if he isn't in a frame of mind to read this? I had told myself this morning I would detach, that I wouldn't check up on him. I decided to check his YouTube viewing history anyway. And there it was...a nice list of his favorite types of videos.

He sent me a text telling me to call him. I thought maybe he would actually 'fess up for once. He just wanted to discuss some item of business. I asked him if that was all he wanted to talk about, he insisted it was but wanted to know why I was asking. After I hung up, I realized I should take a screen shot of the evidence, just in case.

I was too late. He wised up after I tipped him off. It was deleted.

I haven't heard a word from him since.

WHAT DO I DO???????

How is this my life? How did this happen?? I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to tear my family apart. But is there any other choice? The man has a list of excuses a mile long as to why he can't/won't/doesn't need to do certain recovery things. I know where his heart lies. But what am I going to do about it?

I've tried praying today, but nothing seems clear. I feel like I need to make him leave. But when? For how long?

I can't do this.

I've never been good at this stuff. I can't be the bad guy. I can't stand up for myself while the other person calls me crazy. I can't put my kids through this.

I don't know who to call for help. My biggest support people are online, most of them in another state. I want to tell my family, but I too scared.

I can't live like this anymore. I can't believe this is my life.