My daughter has a book called "Today I Feel Silly". It is a cute story that chronicles the many moods that we go through: joy, anger, confusion, silliness, sadness, frustration, excitement, etc. In my experience with Betrayal Trauma, some days I feel like I cycle through every emotion at least once. It is exhausting.
Today, though, I just feel angry.
Deep, red-hot anger. I feel it churning in my stomach, creeping up my spine, and eating away at my brain. My muscles have been tense and twitchy. My breathing has been shallow.
Dealing with an addict is the most crazy-making experience on the planet. It's like dealing with a giant two year old - someone only in touch with their reality, their desires, and what they want. Someone prone to mood swings and being irrational. Except, the problem is, their adult mind is developed enough to know how to lie and manipulate and get what they want. It's an endless exercise in insanity.
I'm angry about all the lies. I'm angry that this is what my life has become. I'm angry that I feel like a victim. I'm angry that I've been used. I'm angry that I'm the only one really working hard at recovery. I'm angry I'm the only one that has been faithful. I'm angry about all the broken promises and all the manipulation.
And the part I'm really not proud of: I want revenge. I want him to hurt the way I've hurt. I want him to know betrayal and fear and how it feels to be used and criticized, to feel worthless and unloved. I want to tell everyone we know exactly what he's done...and is still doing! I want him to feel for once in his life, without an escape.
I think I've completely gone off my rocker. I don't know what is happening to me lately. It's like every ounce of rage and hurt and sorrow over the last 8 years is bubbling to the surface and I feel out of control. I've stuffed it down and pretended it away for so long that now it is coming back with a vengeance. I'm worried it's going to eat me alive.
Maybe when it's all said and done, it isn't him who destroyed our marriage -- it will have been me.
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