Dancing

Life has been so hectic lately. Unfortunately, my recovery efforts have been put on the backburner as a result.

We are in the process of building a home, and we are doing much of the work ourselves. It's a total first world problem, but it has been stressful and a huge time suck. We are in the finishing stages and are scheduled to close in about 3 weeks, but there is so much to be done! Our entire lives have been taken over by this process, and I cannot wait for it to be over.

(Although, on the other hand, it keeps my husband very busy and his mind occupied, which is helpful for him in his own recovery. Boredom is one of his biggest triggers. Yikes.)

Plus, of course, the holidays are in full swing and we're trying to make it special for our kids despite how busy we are with the house. We have friend parties and company parties and family parties -- all very lovely things, but it takes up time.

Plus, my kids keep freaking getting sick. Stupid winter.

Plus, my 30th birthday is this week and my husband is trying to make it special, which is nice, but do we really have time for it? Not really.

Plus, my own health has not been good. I suffer from chronic headaches and they have been especially bad lately, in addition to other chronic pain issues that have been afflicting me. Life goes on though, so I have to push through.

Add in our regular jobs, church callings, attempts at staying somewhat fit during this season of major over-indulgence, cooking, cleaning, etc, etc, and the last thing that ends up on my list is attending my S-Anon meetings and working my steps. It's all I can do to even keep my head above water.

The husband and I have largely been distracted lately, but we did have a good talk a couple of weeks ago. I was rather testy for several days. The stress was getting to me, and as mentioned above my health has not been good, and the kids have been sick and grumpy. I was triggered by something and got rather upset and my husband was blind-sided. He feels like I've changed a lot lately, that I'm much more irritable and not the sweet person he used to know.

That was hard to hear, but it is true. I am irritable. I'm stressed and sick. I'm full of resentment towards my husband, and I hold it all inside. Eventually a part of me blows up. We discussed this and I told him I don't know how to talk to him about things. For 7 years he actively avoided communication and "feelings".  I was trained by a lot of bad experiences to keep things to myself. Now that he has an actual desire to communicate and is greatly changed, I'm still afraid to make myself vulnerable. I'm afraid to be hurt if I go to him and suddenly "addict-husband" is back. I can't take it.

Also, this same week, the husband confessed that he stumbled on some inappropriate pictures at work. He manages his company's social media (not a good job for a porn addict, gah). Some dude on Tumblr posted some naughty pictures, so my husband said he immediately unfollowed him and actually felt sick to his stomach. I was proud of him and thought it was really a good step forward.

Anyway, after these talks, I was able to open up a bit more and be a little more vulnerable. A few nights ago I told him some things I'd never told anyone that were difficult for me. He listened, our intimacy grew, and it was good. He talked a lot about doing everything he can to gain my trust. It was good. Two steps forward.

On Thursday my husband was working on our house with his dad, who is our general contractor. They've always had a very strained relationship, his dad has not been a very good father throughout the years and is trying to make some changes now. Anyway, my husband ended up telling his dad about his addiction and apologizing for any strain it put on his father over the years. I was floored. I never thought my husband would tell anyone else, especially his dad. Luckily, his dad was very kind and understanding and it was a very good experience for my husband. Two more steps forward.

This weekend the husband surprised me with a little getaway to the mountains for my birthday. It was a beautiful winter wonderland up there, some friends joined us for one of the nights and we had some great laughs, and we spent most the time just relaxing. It was good. I forgot my computer, so I was using my husband's laptop to look up something I needed in my email. I opened a different browser than he normally uses so I wouldn't have to log him out of his email account to get into mine. But when I opened it up....porn. As the most recent webpages. It was like the wind was knocked out of me. I immediately checked the history to see when...the history was deleted. Of course. After a few moments of trying to gather my thoughts I confronted the husband. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday trip.

Turns out the porn was related to the incident he told me about with Tumblr and coming across some bad images. He said he had to go to the website to unfollow them. I found it extremely strange that this was done in a different browser with deleted history. He admitted it did it that way because he was trying to hide it, he was afraid I'd be mad. He admitted that he briefly scrolled through a few pictures before he got his wits about him and got up and went for a walk outside.

I was angry, but more than anything I was sad. I can't live my life like this anymore. I can't be deceived anymore and intentionally misled. Yeah, it wasn't a big thing, but once again he didn't tell me the whole story. Once again he went out of his way to hide it and deceive me. It made me feel sick and numb, and I could immediately feel myself detach a little bit. I would not be vulnerable to a liar any more.

He felt awful and talked about it quite a bit (for him, anyway) as we went to bed. He committed to no more minimizing, no more sweeping "little" things under the rug. From here on out, it is full honesty, despite the consequences. Luckily, all this was unprovoked by me. I just sat there and listened without saying anything, so I feel it was sincere. But it all hurt so much. Seeing what he had looked at made me so insecure. Knowing that any illusion of trust we'd built over the previous weeks was just an illusion was shattering.

Three steps back.

Sometimes I feel like addiction is just a dance. Two steps forward, one step back. One step forward, two steps back. Round and round in circles we go. Side step, one step forward, on and on and on...

I prayed to be able to let it go and not have our trip be ruined. I tried hard to stay positive and connected as much as I could. We still had a nice time. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. Haven't I pretended enough over the years? I don't know how to find the rhythm to this new dance we're doing now that we're pursuing recovery. Sometimes I feel like I'm stepping on toes or getting left behind or made to look like a fool. I need to learn to dance to my own beat, and know that it is ok.