Things I've learned lately...

1. Relapses are hard

2. Even worse than the relapses is the loss of my "real" husband. I had the first extended glimpse of him in 8 years for a couple months there. Turns out he's even better than I hoped! The pain of waking up one day to find the return of a critical, emotionally withdrawn, arrogant man who is unwilling and unable to listen or reason or feel empathy is overwhelming.

3. Getting back on the horse is really hard

4. Forgiving never seems to get easier

5. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me, and they want what is best for me. They really do.

6. S-Anon is a blessing

7. My prayers are heard and answered when I need it most, especially when I let go and trust God. The answers are never big or overwhelming. I never know what I should do with my whole life. But I get a still, small answer in my heart that will help me today. And it has always been right.

8. My gut is also always right (maybe part of that is the Spirit helping me?). I am thoroughly amazed at how much I am learning to trust myself and my intuition.

9. Sleeping alone can sometimes be kind of nice.

10. I am stronger than I feel like I am.

11. I am learning how to depend on myself and not my husband to know what I want and what is best for me. I am learning what I actually like again. I am becoming re-acquainted with myself, and while I am far from perfect, I kind of like the person I'm becoming.

12. Confidence to trust yourself and confidence to be alone can bring confidence in other areas of life too.

13. Giving up "control" is scary and hard but it brings peace. Detachment seems difficult and scary, but it is also a blessing and brings peace.

14. I can't change my husband. I need to repeat this 5 times a day. I can't make him choose recovery.

15. I can make choices for myself, though.

16. If I don't put effort into working my recovery, I gradually end up back in Crazy Town.

17. I need to find my own support system. Still working on that.

18. I am more than my husband's addiction.

19. I need to be patient.

20. I can do hard things. (Well, still learning to believe that one...)