Mourning the loss

One of the things I didn't expect when I began this recovery journey is a sense of loss that I had to grieve.

Several weeks ago we went out to dinner with a couple. This couple happens to be the adoptive parents of the baby boy my husband fathered before we were married (we'll call him "Ben"). By a weird twist of fate, the adoptive father was also in my husband's mission. They are a wonderful couple and live near us and my husband has been grateful to have been included in some of the events of this little boy's life.

This couple wanted to meet with us to get his feedback from the perspective of a birth parent as they try to start the adoption process again. During the dinner much of the conversation revolved around our kids. This other couple talked a lot about Ben and what a kind, sensitive nature he has. He is the first to notice when his mom gets a haircut, he is the first to notice when another child is unhappy. He gets up early so he can watch the sun rise (he's 9!). He is also very competitive in sports, and takes it hard when his team loses. He has a sweet and tender heart, and is incredibly in tune with the Spirit.

On the drive home my husband mentioned that when he was a kid he used to take pictures of sunsets all the time. He wrote sweet notes to his mom and took her on "dates" after she got divorced. Ben inherited much of my husband's personality and seems to be much of the same child he was.

The thing is...where is that boy now? I love my husband, and he has many good qualities, but I would never describe my husband as sensitive or emotionally in-tune. Instead he has been distant, defensive, frequently angry, and emotionally numb much of the time.

This addiction has taken so much from me and our family. It has turned a sensitive and kind boy into a man who is a liar and manipulator. One who would yell at me if I wanted to talk about feelings. One who would say things to intentionally hurt my feelings with the purpose of driving me away. One who used me as a sex object.

Sometimes I wonder if a few dirty pictures are a big deal (when really, it wasn't a "few" at all). When I look at the change that happened to my husband during his adolescence and shaped who he is 20 years later, it is a big deal. It stole my husband's spirit. Nothing about porn or addiction is ok.

Now that my husband is pursuing recovery and has longer stretches of sobriety, I've seen glimpses of the boy who once was. When my husband is sober for a length of time, he sees me for who I really am. He wants to talk with me, listen to me, and love me. He sees the beauty in our children. He enjoys the little things of life again. But every time we deal with a relapse, I have to mourn the loss all over again.