Lately

I've been thinking a lot about posting over the last few weeks, but I just haven't been able to do it. When I sit down to write, the words don't come. Same with my journal. There's no words willing to come out of my fingertips. Lately I feel like I feel everything, and I feel nothing. It seems impossible to package things up into a bundle of letters and words and sentences.

A couple of days ago the husband hit the 30 day sobriety mark. He talked about it a lot and gave me high fives and was really happy. Which was great! I was happy for him. But...why was he so happy about it this time around? I didn't get why it was different. Haven't we hit 30 days a bunch of times since we started pursuing recovery last fall? I was certain we were in about a 6-8 week relapse cycle.

I brought it up to him. And once again, we're living separate realities, unbeknownst to me. Aside from his first sobriety streak last fall, he can't remember ever having hit 30 days.

Ummm... what?

Over the last several months we've done the relapse cycle thing. Every time I discover something and call him out, he "comes clean". He makes speeches about honesty and commitment and on and on. And now he tells me he still wasn't totally honest. He was living with one foot in recovery and one still in the addiction. But, can he remember what was actually happening? Of COURSE not. He has no recollection of any of it. It's just this big guess as to what real life has been the last 6 months.

And naturally, he doesn't think it's that big of a deal, because look at how good he's been doing the last 30 days! Wheeee!!

I feel like I've been run over by a dump truck. I feel as traumatized as I did the first time I discovered any of this years ago. Because even though I realize he was lying to me for so many years, I kind of knew he was. It was the status quo. It sucks, but I understand he was just totally in his addiction.

But this time, we had a deal, you know? I thought last fall was a fresh start for us, in a way. I knew it would be tough. I knew there would be ups and downs. But I thought we were on the same page. I idiotically believed him when he said he had told me everything and he was committed to the truth and making me feel safe. I once again gave him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't really hurt me like that. I believed him! It's almost laughable now!

I can't believe anything anymore. I can't trust anything. I don't even know where to go from here. I alternate between feeling intense pain and absolutely numb.

I've been doing a lousy job of working my steps the last few weeks. A combination of busy-ness and change of schedule, plus laziness and wanting to live in denial that this is my life. This is the kick in the pants I need to get my head out of the sand and start facing reality again...whatever that actually is.