A full heart

It's been just over a month since I last confronted my husband about pornography use. I was so scared to do it, but I felt like I had to. I'd been living in denial for years, but knew based on the direction our relationship was heading that something had to be done. I braced myself for arguing, lies, and having to make a tough decision about whether to stay or go, just like all the times in years past.

I was totally wrong.

This last month has been hard, but as I sit here right now my heart is so full of joy and gratitude. 

My husband got his 30 day sobriety chip from SA today. He is proud, and he should be. He is happier than I've seen him in years. It is a joy that I've never seen come from him. A contentment and easy-going nature that is demonstrated in through his smile, a quicker laugh, and happy words that tumble from his lips. He is open and kind, willing to listen, and humble and willing to learn. He has hope. He's not perfect(and never will be in this life, just like the rest of us), and he still has a long way to go. But oh, it has been wonderful to see these changes!

I am so proud of him. I am so grateful! So very, very grateful. After dealing with this in an ugly and angry way for seven years, I almost never thought I'd see this kind of progress made. In my wildest dreams I'd secretly hope for it, but I didn't dare count on it. I'm so grateful that his heart has been softened. I'm so grateful for an SA and S-Anon group that meets literally around the corner from my house. I'm amazed at this wonderful FREE resource, where people meet humbly with the sole intent of improving themselves and each other. It is so inspired.

Most of all, I'm grateful for my Savior and the Atonement. For the first time in my life I'm actually coming to understand what the Atonement means and how to apply it to my life. I am so humbled by the love of my Savior. I'm grateful that I have come closer to my Savior, and that I can recover and heal and improve in my own way too. I have a lot of work to do.

Sometimes, though, I have to admit that my joy and gratitude makes me afraid. Afraid that this is all too good to be true. Afraid it will crumble to bits and fall between my fingers as I desperately grasp at it, remembering what it was. Afraid that when it does, it will be worse than ever before.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Tim. 1:6–7.)

I need to remember where that fear comes from. I need to replace my fear with faith. Everything will be ok, one way or another. Everything will be ok.

Tonight, I choose to feel joy and gratitude.

I am so grateful.