And here comes the drop

Addiction is a terrible, fearsome roller coaster ride. One minute you're up, the next minute you're crashing down and almost careening out of control. Only unlike a real roller coaster, it isn't thrilling at all. It's just terrifying and exhausting.

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In previous posts I was on top of the world. Today, I'm speeding down that giant hill.

Today I hate him. I want to scream at him and throw things and kick him out of the house. Luckily, I don't think I'm quite to the point where I want to punch him in the face, but you never know what turn this roller coaster will take.

(Not that I would do it...I think...)

I caught him in a porn-related lie. Well, more like a "half-truth", but dishonesty and deception all the same. And really, yes, there was a lie involved too. We talked about it yesterday, I was upset but reigned it in, he felt terrible. I should be able to move on, right?

Nope. I've been fuming all day. It's been bouncing around in my skull like an errant bouncy ball. I can't focus. I just seethe and fume and hurt.

I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.

I hate the porn. SO MUCH. I hate the addict behavior. But more than anything I think, I hate the lies. I HATE THE LIES. I hate being deceived. Words cannot even express it.

I made this very clear to him. I spelled it out in black and white, inside and out. I told him that I understand he won't be perfect, I understand there might be slips. But I have no tolerance for lying.

I knew the first real test would come when he messed up for the first time. It came, and he failed. He chose to cover it up and leave it out of our conversation. He fed me some line about how he is an open book and has nothing to hide and I can check up on him any time.

Lies, lies, lies.

So tonight, when I got angry about it, when it all came bubbling out with such force even I was shocked, he retreated. He rolled his eyes. He got defensive. He felt like he should be getting a big pat on the back, a freaking medal for all his hard work and how well he's done and he didn't deserve this.

All I've done the past month is pat his back and praise him and tell him how grateful I was for his efforts and how awesome it all was. Why am I the one making him feel good?? My codependency slaps me in the face. And now, he's all offended that I am angry without any warning. He's licking his wounds, in our comfortable bed, while I sleep on the couch in my anger.

While I sleep on the couch. What the hell is wrong with me? Even in my anger, I make sure he is the comfortable one.

Tonight, a part of me hates him. And a part of me hates myself too.